Added: Charlise Breese - Date: 16.10.2021 10:14 - Views: 21532 - Clicks: 7458
Why do people in committed relationships still swipe right on dating apps? A secret dater shares her story. I laugh nervously. In fact, I give as little about myself away as possible. It started two years ago, when I was 26 and went through a really destabilising period in my life.
I lost my job as a graphic deer, and found out that my boyfriend - despite being kind and wonderful in so many ways - was cheating on me. The night he confessed, I remember all the air rushing out of my lungs. In so many ways, we had been perfect for each other. We came from similar backgrounds, we had similar goals and ambitions.
Almost as soon as we got together we met at a party, through mutual friends there had been no question - we were in love. We moved in together eight months after meeting. But four years later, here he was, saying he was sorry. He cried and told me over and over again that he was sorry and that he wanted to make it work with me.
And I believed him. He was my best mate. I loved him. That period, out of work and feeling like my whole world had been turned upside down affected me deeply - I even changed careers, retraining so that I Naughty single women wants black people dating work in the fitness industry. But most of all, I decided that I needed more independence from my relationship. I realised that the intensity of my connection with my boyfriend had eclipsed everything in my life.
It was unhealthy, I guess, but he was my first love - I was only 22 when we met he was And it was kind of an accident. I went out with some new work colleagues and was left with just one of the guys in a bar. I was tipsy and we flirted. I knew nothing would happen, we just had great banter - we bounced off each other, and we found the same things funny. I remember floating home, feeling more confident than I had in months. It was fun and silly, seeing her get matches and chatting to randoms, but when I left her house that night, I knew I wanted to do it again, properly, on my own.
Looking back, I can see that I was desperate for that same ego boost - a reaffirmation that I was desirable, despite what my boyfriend had done. I guess I was hurting a lot and looking for any way to make myself feel better.
Swiping, getting matches and having flirty conversations with guys was also a good distraction from obsessing over whether my boyfriend might cheat again. I once read, though, that dating apps can be addictive - that they are specifically deed to keep us swiping.
We get a hit of dopamine - a feel-good neurotransmitter, which is linked to addiction - whenever we anticipate a match. That certainly felt true for me. Before long, I was absentmindedly swiping most days, chasing that high.
We were still arguing a lot, and I felt like he owed me. I considered telling my boyfriend, being transparent about the fact that I felt I needed to do this, so I could work out exactly what I wanted. That first app date was a lot of fun. We ended up going on a bar crawl, doing shots and dancing until 2am. In fact, what I wanted was my boyfriend: our shared in-jokes and familiarity.
For the first time in ages, I started to feel like I could get past his cheating. And only going for drinks, never dinner too big a commitment and never, ever sleeping with them. Each time, the thrill and anticipation felt amazing. Sometimes, I'd feel bad for the guys. Some of them were obviously looking for something serious and I was just wasting their time.
I remember one in particular who was really cut up about his ex cheating on him - we talked about it a lot. The closest I came to being caught was when a message popped up on my phone from a date, asking where I wanted to meet. My boyfriend saw it. I told him it was just a colleague, but that was the first time I felt bad about deceiving him in this way. One of my rules is to always let my dates down gently at the end of each date.
The date with the hot blonde guy is the last one I plan to go on for a while - maybe the last one ever. Honestly, after 18 months, the buzz is starting to wear off. I expect he'd feel pretty cut up about it. Nothing to stress over. Coercive control: 'I was 16 and thought it was normal'. Non-surgical beauty treatments: Undercover on a facelift training course. Glow Up winner: 'I wanted to show you can look pretty - just also a little bit weird'. Share this:. Copy this link. No matter how well this date goes, I will never see him again. Sian Butcher. As told to Alexandra Jones.
Eating with My Ex. I Am Not A Rapist.
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'I secretly date people who aren’t my boyfriend - but I don’t think it’s cheating'